Going Home
by Vikki2
Summary: What if Elizabeth had to go on alone?


The rain was pouring down outside of County General, and it matched Elizabeth's mood. She was in their van, driving in for an important meeting, one that would probably change her future. In the car seat behind her, Cassie let out a loud wail, annoyed at being woken up, and hustled into the van.  
  
Elizabeth parked outside on the street near the front entrance. She didn't want to be seen coming in, there would be too many questions. Pulling Cassie's baby raincoat tighter around her small body, Elizabeth made a mad dash towards the door. She didn't care that her hair was soaked, and was lying flat on her head, like limp wet noodles. Elizabeth punched the elevator button, and impatiently tapped her foot. When the metal doors opened up, a crowd walked out, but no one came in with her, just as she had hoped.   
  
Elizabeth stepped off the elevator, and on to the floor she was going to. It was a long corridor of offices, and small rooms. It was eerily silent, all of the patients were in their rooms, resting. She stepped closer to one door, the farthest one to the right, pulled the door open and went up to the receptionist.  
  
"Uh..I have an appointment with Dr. Sheilds." Elizabeth told her, in a slightly wary voice. Cassie was becoming fidgety, so she gently rocked her back and forth, while the secretary madly typed on her computer.  
  
"Have a seat, Mrs. Greene." She replied. "Dr. Sheilds is just finishing up with a patient right now. I'll call you as soon as she's finished."  
  
"Thank you." Elizabeth said softly, surprising herself with the gentleness of her voice. Any other time, she would have given a cheery thank you, or an annoyed remark about her having an appointment, but not today. It was different.  
  
She sat down, and took off her rain-soaked jacket, and hung it up at the end of the rack. Placing her purse down, she then took off her daughter's small coat, and placed it on top of it. Elizabeth held her close, and brushed the fine baby hair from her face. Staring back up at her was her liquid brown, inquisitive eyes. Eyes that were so familiar, that held so much depth for someone who was so young. She could just sit there an be mesmerized by her face, the tiny fingers, and trying to figure out who she looked more like, herself or Mark......  
  
"Elizabeth? Are you ready to come in?" Dr. Shields' voice broke through Elizabeth's thoughts.  
  
"Yes, I am. Just let me grab my bag." Elizabeth juggled the baby, her jacket and the bag, then walked into the doctor's office. She sat down on the hard leather chair, in front of her desk.  
  
"So how have you been, Elizabeth?" Dr. Sheilds asked, leafing through a chart.   
  
"Ok, I suppose, with all considering. I came here to tell you something, I've made a decision." Elizabeth told her, looking away.  
  
"A decision on what?" She asked, straightening out her glasses. This way going to be interesting.  
  
"I reach for a man, that is never there. I wake up some nights, turn over, and hope he's I can feel him. But he never is..." Elizabeth brushed back her limp curls, trying to keep her composure.  
  
"Elizabeth, you know he won't be there...remember we talked about this before? Tell me why, he won't be there." Dr. Sheilds prompted.  
  
Elizabeth pulled Cassie closer to her, and kissed the top of her head. She couldn't bring herself to say those two words.  
  
"Elizabeth.....you have to accept this, and by accepting it you must be able to talk about it......"  
  
"He's dead." Elizabeth interrupted, her voive barley above a whisper. "There, are you happy now? I said it, Mark's dead and he's never coming back, and he left me all alone, and I'm so scared..." Elizabeth started to cry, as a rush of emotion hit her like a ton of bricks. Though weeks had passed since that had happened, the pain was still fresh in her mind, and it hurt.   
  
"Elizabeth, I know this is hard for you. You need time to grieve, to miss him. But you also need to go on. You have a daughter to raise, a job to do. Now what is it you wanted to tell me?" She asked, in a sympathetic voice.  
  
"I'm leaving." Was the short, to the point reply.  
  
"Leaving, as in quitting your job?" Dr. Sheilds tried to clarify.  
  
"No as in leaving the country. I'm going home, to England. I can't stay here, there's too many memories. I can't even walk into the kitchen and go get a drink from my fridge without almost starting to cry! Whenever I come in to work, all I get are these pitiful looks from all my co-workers, the way the crowds seem to part as I walk by. I hear them whispering, but when I go by, it all stops. I don't want to live my life like this, I can't eat, I can't sleep. The only thing that keeps me sane is my daughter. She's all I have now, she's Mark's daughter, and mine. Our baby together, and I won't let her grow up having an awful mother. And that's what I'll be if I stay here. All I can think about is Mark, no matter where I am. Every part of this city holds some sort of sentimental value, something to remember him. Back home, there's nothing." Elizabeth explained.  
  
"But Cassie is Mark's child, that will be a constant reminder of him, and moving away won't solve that problem." She contradicted.  
  
"Thats not the point." Elizabeth replied, angrily. "I'm going to leave, and nothing anyone says or does is going to stop me!"  
  
"Will you still go to therapy when you go back to England?" Dr. Sheilds asked, giving Elizabeth a doubtful look.  
  
"Yes." Was her sharp reply. "Not that I need it...it was decided for me by my fellow colleagues that I needed help 'dealing' with Mark's death, so as not to hinder my job." Elizabeth retorted sarcastically.  
  
"Everyone needs someone to talk to Elizabeth, especially when tragedy strikes." Dr. Sheilds told her, in a very psychiatrist-like tone of voice.  
  
"Don't you dare patronize me! I don't need this crap, I would have been just fine if you hadn't have made me 'face my inner demons and fears!' I don't need this, not at all. I was giving you the common courtesy of telling you I was leaving. I've told you, so good-bye." Elizabeth stood up, grabbed her bag, and marched out of the office. Cassie started to cry, at the sound of raised voices, so Elizabeth had to stop and calm her down.  
  
"What are you going to tell her when she grows up? That you left behind your life, because you wanted to get away from your past? Hmmm?" The doctor called after her.  
  
"What I tell my daughter is my business....But if you must know I will tell her everything. Even though Mark isn't here, I'll tell Cassie all about him, what he was like, his favourite things. Answer me this, doctor." She put emphasis on the word 'doctor.' "What would you do if the man you loved was diagnosed with a brain tumor, and inoperable one. Then you find out that he's going to have experimental surgery. To top it all off, you're being sued for malpractice, and you're pregnant. After the surgery, you think everything is A-Ok. Guess again. The tumor is back, and your man only has a few weeks to live. You have just had your baby, and now your have to say good-bye to someone you love more than anything in the entire world. Can you honestly tell me you've been through that, huh?" Elizabeth yelled, angrily.  
  
"No, I myself haven't been through any of that." She replied.  
  
"Well then don't tell me how to live my life." Elizabeth spun around, and stormed out of the room, tearing down the hall towards the elevator  
  
On the ride down in the elevator, Elizabeth took in slow, deep breaths to try and calm herself down. Cassie was still squirming around in her arms, making it next to impossible for Elizabeth to do up her coat, so they could go home.  
  
Hot tears ran down her face, and streaked it, the red was bright in contrast to her pale  
face. Elizabeth had to go get a few things from her office, it might be the last time she  
ever set foot on it again. Sighing, she erached into her purce for the key, and unlocked  
the door. Elizabeth hadn't been in her office since Mark had died. She had beem very  
preoccupied, and didn't have time to do all the paper work now stacked on her desk. She  
was so lost in thoughts that she didn't even here someone come up behind her.   
  
"Working diligently after hours eh Lizzie?" It was Robert. "Ah. I see you brought the little  
munchkin with you. Pity about her though."   
  
"Pity what?" Elizabeth replied, turning to face him, eyes blazing.   
  
"That her father was such a low-life. I mean, come on Lizzie. If you were going to have a  
kid, couldn't it have at least been with someone decent? Now, I don't think even your,  
natural beauty can save her." Robert gave her a wicked grin.   
  
Elizabeth walked over to him and slapped him acoss the face, hard. "Don't you *ever* talk  
about Mark like that again. He was a very loving, caring man, who loved me. And I loved  
him. Cassie will ebnifit by having his charm, his personality. You didn't know him like I did. You didn't care to either. You hated him because I loved him. Well get over it Robert.  
Admit it: Mark is a better man than you will ever be. He had more charm and love in the  
tip of his pinky than you have in your entire body!!" She yelled.   
  
"Don't speak to me like that!" He thundered. "I'll have you fired for speaking to me like  
that."   
  
"Too bad Robert, beat you there. I'm leaving, going home to England.."   
  
"Oh really..and when do I expect to see your resignation?" Robert let out a loud laugh. "Oh Lizzie...Count on you to brighten up my day...What next? Your putting the ugly love child up for adoption?" Robert laughed.  
  
Elziabeth was fuming, and tears were threatening to spill over from behind her lids.  
  
"Goodbye Robert."  
  
She was hoping to slip out of the ER unnoticed by anyone, so she didn't have to explain what was going on, but it just wasn't her day.  
  
"Are you on Dr. Corday?" Carter called out, walking towards her. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't see Cassie there with you, so I guess you're just getting off huh?" Carter was trying to make conversation with her. Elizabeth had been so quiet and withdrawled since Mark's death, and everyone was trying to crack her open. Get *something* out of her, how she was feeling, what things were like now.  
  
"No, Carter I'm not on. I had an appointment that I needed to go to, and I just finished. Now, I'm going back to the house." Elizabeth refused to call it a "home", because to her, a home was somewhere happy, somewhere safe. Her house didn't feel like either of those things.  
  
"Oh, ok. Uh...so how are you doing?" He asked, looking away.  
  
"Fine." She snapped. "How do you think I feel, Carter? Hmm? How would you feel if you were me? Peachy? Alive, awake, alert, and enthusiastic?"  
  
"I'm sorry, Elizabeth. We're just all worried about you, thats all." Carter apologized. He really hadn't wanted to get her going. Carter looked over at her, and didn't see the same person he had always known. There were deep black hollows under her eyes, her skin was a pale, translucent colour. And most of all, she had lost a lot of weight, more weight than she should have lost, after having Cassie. He shook his head, and pulled her aside into the lounge.  
  
"You know, it's ok to talk you know. I made that mistake, after...the stabbing." Carter shuddered, when he spoke of his own attack.  
  
"I know it's ok, Carter. But I just can't, not yet. It still hurts, even to think about him a little bit." Elizabeth replied, rocking Cassie back and forth.  
  
Carter gave her a surprise look. This was the most she had spoken about Mark since he had died. He was going to try and encourage her to go on.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Elizabeth looked Carter straight in the eye, her look never wavering. "Why are you all so determined to get me to talk to you? Is this all part of another one of Randi's little pools? Is that all I am to you..." Elizabeth flashed him an angry glance.  
  
"No, not at all. That might be what some people are thinking, but not me. I'm here to listen. I went through something, last Valentines Day. And I chose not to talk about it, thinking that if I kept everything all bottled up inside, it would all go away, that I would be ok." Carter explained, reliving the painful memories.  
  
"Really. And what help are you going to offer me that say, a shrink couldn't?" She asked, beginning to be more interested in what Carter was saying.  
  
"Because I know you, Elizabeth. I've known you for over three years. I'm not just some person who is getting paid to give you advice, I'm in it because I want to be, because I want to make sure you're going to be all right."  
  
Elizabeth paused, and took in all that Carter had just said. She sighed, and let her shoulders sag, relieving some of the tension she was feeling.   
  
"All right, Carter. I'll talk to you, but only you. And you have to promise you won't tell anyone. Besides Peter, you knew Mark the longest." Elizabeth didn't know what that had to do with anything, but she felt a bit more comfortable talking with someone who actually knew Mark, and knew what he was like.  
  
"Ok....great." Carter breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe now, Elizabeth could start the slow, painful process of healing, of moving on with her life. Carter flashed her a smile, and motioned towards the door. "Where would you like to go, so we can, talk more about it?"   
  
Elizabeth stood silent for a moment, before replying. "I don't want to go over to Doc's, and besides, Cassie is getting cranky. It's way past her bedtime. If you wouldn't mind coming over to my house, I'd feel a bit more secure there." Elizabeth didn't tell him that part of the reason she wanted to go home was that it made her feel closer to Mark, which inevitably, was part of the problem. Plus, she hated being alone, in the dark of the huge house, with the only noises being the regular ticking of the clock. It was eerily silent, and quite frankly, gave Elizabeth the creeps.  
  
Carter gave her a surprised look. No one had ever seen Mark and Elizabeth's house, not even when they had first bought it. Everyone had been more than curious to see it, since Elizabeth had bragged about what good taste Mark had in homes.  
  
"All right then, lets go. Um, just one small question, how are we getting there? I took the EL to work today, so I don't have my car. Did you take a cab here?" He asked.  
  
"No, I took the van, I had to put Cassie in her car seat." Elizabeth replied. "Come on, I'm just parked over on the front street." She dug around in her purse for her keys, and pressed the auto start button.  
  
Carter watched with interest as Elizabeth pulled out her command start. "I didn't know you had that. Those things are pretty neat, I've always wanted one for my car. It gets so cold in winter." He commented.  
  
All Elizabeth did was nod, and lead the way outside. Before exiting, she pulled Cassie close to her, so as the pouring rain wouldn't make her ill. Once in the van, they drove in silence, until they reached Elizabeth's house.  
  
Carter looked out the side window, at the large house Elizabeth was pulling up to. "Is this your house? Wow, it sure is big." He commented.  
  
"Yeah, not much in it though." Elizabeth wistfully replied. "Come on, we can go in through the front."  
  
Elizabeth unlocked the door, and stepped inside. She tossed her wet coat down on the floor, along with the baby bag.  
  
"Uh...make yourself comfortable I suppose. I need to go put Cassie to bed." Elizabeth told Carter, shaking all the tiny wet droplets of water from her head. They sprayed around her, like tiny clear beads, before settling on the thick, blue carpet she was standing on.  
  
Carter nodded, and walked into the living room. The curtains were all drawn shut, not a single light was on, and the temperature was turned way down. This sent a chill up Carter's spine, making the small hairs on his arms stand up on end. He didn't know why it was freaking him out so much. The room was just so quiet, it reminded him of a funeral home, and he thought that might be part of the reason he was feeling so weirded out. It was like all the life had been sucked out of the house, once Mark had died.  
  
He turned on a lamp, that was standing on a small table next to him. He walked to the mantle, and gently picked up the photographs that lined the dust covered piece of wood. The first was a picture taken before Mark and Elizabeth were even engaged, at a bowling alley. Mark was gazing over at Elizabeth, as he had him arms wrapped around her waist. There were two other people in the picture, Carter knew that the man was David Greene, Mark's father, and he supposed that the woman was Elizabeth's mother. They looked a lot alike.  
  
His eyes moved over to the next one, a large photo taken on their vacation. There were sitting on a rock, over-looking the vast forest. Mark was looking straight into the camera, while Elizabeth's eyes had wandered over to him, as she gave him a look of pure happiness. He could tell that they had really loved each other, just by the way they looked.  
  
The last picture he saw was Mark, Elizabeth, and Cassie, a few days before Mark died. Elizabeth's face said it all, the fear she was feeling, how she was trying to hold on to her past, trying to deny the inevitable. Mark was laying in a hospital bed, his head was bandaged up, and he looked so thin and frail. Cassie was all wrapped up in a blanket, and was being held by Mark. You could only see part of her face, and the bits of whispy red/gold curls. There were tears in Elizabeth's eyes, and some in Mark's too. A feeling came over Carter, as if that one picture was explaining how Elizabeth was feeling.  
  
"You want something to drink?" Elizabeth's low, unemotional voice broke through the silence.  
  
Carter jumped up in the air, quickly putting the photograph back in its place. "Uh...sure. That would be great."  
  
Elizabeth gave him a peculiar look, and walked off into the kitchen.  
  
"Cassie sure does settle down quickly..." Cater noted, trying to make conversation. "Most babies take hours to settle."  
  
Elizabeth gave a weak laugh, and picked up a small, white object. "Just wait...in about five minutes she's going to start screaming. Happens every night. I suppose it's partly my fault, I always kept her with me, 24/7 after....." Elizabeth let her voice trail off, knowing Carter understood what she was talking about. "I carried her around, held her, I even had her close to me while I tried to sleep....She's all I have left."  
  
"Elizabeth, that's not true." Carter corrected. "You have a lot of people who care about you. Everyone at County, your parents, relatives." Carter didn't want to say 'Mark's relatives' for fear it might set her off.  
  
"My parents live in England, and my mother couldn't give a damn about me. My father is incredibly supportive, but it's not the same. And everyone at work does one of two things: Avoids me completely, or smother me with sugar coated sympathy." She turned away, after handing Carter some orange juice.  
  
"I'm sure that's not true, Elizabeth. Your mother came to visit last year didn't she?" He asked.  
  
"Yeah, after I saw her name in the paper as a guest lecturer and called her up myself. She had flown all the way from England, and after not seeing me for over three years, didn't have the decency to even call me up." Elizabeth replied, with a disgusted look.  
  
Carter sighed, this was harder than he thought. "So what are you going to do now? I hate to sound 'un-sugar coated' but you can't exactly wallow away in self pity, pain and denial for the rest of your life. You have a wonderful daughter, who needs her mother to be the person she use to be. A kind, compassionate, loving, funny, outgoing woman. Not this depressed, cold, distant, silent Elizabeth we've been seeing."  
  
"But I can't....." Elizabeth told him, with tears threatening to flow down her face. "Every time I close my eyes, I see him. I see his face, right before he died, when he told me how much he loved me, and how he thanked God every day for bringing me into his life. I just can't go back to who I use to be...that part of me died, along with Mark." Elizabeth sniffled, and turned away, so Carter wouldn't see her cry.  
  
"It's ok to cry, Elizabeth. There's no shame in it, you've been through hell these last few months. But that person is still inside you, she just needs to be let out. Mark would have wanted you to go on with your life, he wouldn't have wanted to see you like this. He's always going to be with you, Elizabeth. Deep down in your heart, he'll never leave. You have to believe that, and believe that he would have wanted the best for you. And right now, the best would for you to pick up the pieces of your life, and put them back together. He always told us how strong, independent, and capable you are, and how he knew that you would be ok." Carter reassured her.  
  
"But I can't, Carter. Life was so much easier, with Mark here...now...I'm all alone." Elizabeth broke down in tears, and grabbed at a pillow to cover her face.  
  
Suddenly, a cry came over the monitor, shaking Elizabeth from her daze. "I'll be right back." Elizabeth hasitly said, jogging up the stairs.  
  
When Elizabeth reached her nurcery, she gently lifted Cassie out of her crib, and rocked her back and forth.  
  
"Hey baby...don't cry..Mommy's here ok....I'm right here...Shh..." Elizabeth tried to calm her down. She changed her, and gave her a fresh bottle, but Cassie still wouldn't settle. Sighing, Elizabeth looked into her deep brown eyes, and had to smile, seeing Mark reflected in them.  
  
"Whats the matter huh? You miss your daddy? I do too..." Elizabeth let in a shuddering breath. "Why don't we go downstairs honey...Uncle Carter's down there..You wanna go see him?" She asked, in a baby tone. "Ok...lets go."  
  
Elizabeth carried her downstairs, and found Carter still standing in her living room.  
  
"You can sit down you know." Elizabeth said, sneaking up behind him.  
  
Carter jumped in the air, he hadn't even heard Elizabeth come up behind him. Not that he was surprised, with the amount of weight she had lost, she sounded like a skeleton would.   
  
"Whats up with her?" Carter proceded to ask, seeing how red faced and teary eyed Cassie was.   
  
"Who knows..." Elizabeth blew out a long breath. "She has her moments..Those times where she's not hungry, not needing to be changed, and doesn't want to be held. Babies...who knows what their thinking." Elizabeth smiled weakly.  
  
"So, back to what we were talking about..." Carter sat down on the armchair, and Elizabeth proceded to sit with the baby on their couch. "You're going to be ok." He said bluntly, and straight to the point.   
  
"How can everyone say that!" Elizabeth exploded. "I have just lost the second most important thing in my life..how am I going to be ok?"  
  
"Elizabeth, you knew Mark's father..." Carter began.  
  
Elizabeth nodded, not really knowing where he was going with all this.  
  
"His wife died, yet he didn't wallow around, looking for self pity. Not that you look for pity." Carter quickly added in, before she got the wrong idea. "He lost the love of his life, and yet he moved on. And if he can, Elizabeth so can you." Carter knew it was a lame example, but it was just off the top of his head. Anything to make Elizabeth feel better.  
  
  



End file.
